Thursday, March 27, 2014

Thursday Rambles: An Open Letter to Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,
Me again. I see you're still with Jack Frost. Last week, I praised you for trying to make your relationship with Jack work. I even encouraged you to take a break someplace warm, maybe even get a mani/pedi. You didn't take my subtle hint, so now, I'm left with no choice but tell you the truth about JACK FROST.


Newsflash, Jack is cheating on you. He's been seen up and down the East coast. I heard he's also hit the Midwest, the Deep South, AND the West Coast, blowing his blizzards and icy winds up women's skirts and through men's toupees, and my Canadian friends told me he's been there too.


Back in December, I caught him sitting on Santa's lap. They were having a right jolly chuckle about something. Did you get that Diamond engagement ring you were hoping for? I didn't think so.


Remember when he disappeared December 24 and he didn't show up until days later with confetti and silly string spilling out of his pockets? Did you get your New Year's kiss? I didn't think so.


Just the other night, I caught him with the tooth fairy in an empty room without any teeth.


And I shouldn't even mention that Abominable is awfully cheery this winter. In fact, you might call him downright Jolly.


He even blew in MY ear yesterday. So take this opportunity to kick his lying, cheating ass out to the curb. You deserve palm trees and warm ocean breezes. You deserve to go someplace you can drink 3 Pina Coladas with tiny umbrellas and no one will judge you. I sure won't.


Wishing you hot sand and unlimited cocktails,
Kim